October 4, 2009
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Vanessus Incommunicadus
I’ve been debating all week on whether or not to post this. Now that I know my stalker is no longer able to stalk me and has no access to a computer, I think it is okay for me to go ahead.
No, this isn’t a post on my IRL stalker. He’d love that. Screw him.
This is difficult for me to write; normally, I write memory-type stories, or funny things that have happened to and around me. I like writing those; I like things with definite endings. This has no such thing. I also do not commonly write about the present because I am not someone who wants or needs “special attention”. I am not looking for advice or sympathy or any of that stuff. This is just a venting sort of thing.
Oh, and before I continue, I just want to apologise. This won’t be the most well written stuff you have ever read. I am not in the mood to edit or do much in the way of proofreading today. Heck, I may not even read this a second time before posting.
So not me.
And that fits. I’m not myself these days.
Not everything is horrible or anything like that. In fact, many things are good. My marriage is great. Ken’s new job isn’t all it was cracked up to be, and the whole money/commuting thing stinks, but he is handling it well. My best friend is in love with a good man, and she is happy for the first time in a long time. That does my heart a lot of good. My cats are healthy and happy little fur-balls.
Everything looks hunky-dory so far, huh? From the outside, it is.
On the inside, it’s black. No colour, no pigment. I eat, but I don’t taste anything. I listen to music, but it doesn’t bring any joy to me anymore. All of my songs are wrapped up in memories, and the stuff they play on the radio, the “new” music is… well, it’s crap. I love my friends, but I don’t feel like talking to them too much.
People often talk about Depression when they just mean plain old sadness. I don’t feel sad at all. I don’t feel much of anything at all. Little bleeps here and there. That’s it.
I knew I hit bottom when I didn’t feel like writing anymore. “When Vanessa doesn’t feel like writing… isn’t that one of the signs of the apocalypse?” Why, yes. Yes, it is.
“Self-Expression is the mortal enemy of Depression.” I don’t remember where I read that, or who wrote it, but it is true. My finances and insurance situations being what they are, self-expression and herbal supplements are all I can afford, so I will use them for all they are worth.
Forcing myself to write. I dislike that. Nothing good comes out onto the page that way. I’ve put aside my novel for now, because it started to get sad. It was never meant to be a sad book, and I refuse to let it go that way. I may feel like I don’t give a rat’s hat about it right now, but I know that later, when I get out of this, I will care a great deal, especially about the characters, places and situations I’ve created in that particular story.
I keep writing vignettes and short stories for my other Xanga account. But everything comes out sad, and that’s tiresome to me. I have set aside a few of the short stories I was working on for now. They are meant to be positive, even funny, but it seems that whatever I touch turns to “downer” right now.
So. Self-expression. That’s all I got right now.
Comments (14)
Glad that you recognize that this transitory. This could have been written by my son#1. He told me he felt disconnected to everyone and everything, ghost like floating through life. He was able to emerge from that cocoon transformed and beautiful. Hope the same for you.
Hugs, you. I like that quote about self expression. I don’t suffer from depression. just s.a.d… but this time of year, it’s hard to tell the two apart, so I hear you.
Express away.
the sun’s going south, too, but it’s jes doin what it’s supposed to
((hugs)) hopefully, like nature, this is a cycle of shedding, sloughing off the used up, worn out. I mean, we are all part of the same molecules? okay, I am weird, I know
Hang in their kiddo. It’s kind of ironic, isn’t it that being without insurance and finances is depressing, but without them, you’re stuck with it. Take things slowly . . . the color will come back to the world . . . .until then, you just be kind to yourself . . . whatever it is, it is
Sorry to hear you are going through a downer. Hope things improve. Get out and walk a bit and/or do some exercise or yoga. clear the head a little. just saying. Don’t have to follow what i say.
I less than three you and boop your nose. Thanks for letting me hang with you, ma petite fleur.
I’m sorry, nessa. I know what those phases are like. I will write you something happy…
*Thinking of you*…. My biggest experience with depression was after loosing my daughter… It’s so very much more than sadness… I know that whatever needs to happen to bring things back to life will happen for you. I hope it’s sooner – rather than later… peace & hugs & sparkles to brighten your day
I know the feeling well. *hugs*
So sorry that you are feeling down. I have struggled with the feel nothings too. Hang in there.
*Hugs* That has to be incredibly frustrating when you can’t find it in yourself to continue to do something that you love. It could just be writers block and hopefully it will pass.
many heartfelt hugs. *hugs*
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