Someone once told me that each key on a key ring represents a responsibility. I had no keys at the time, so I did not really “get” it.
At my first full-time job (at a psychiatric hospital/drug rehab… I know… the irony!), I had over one hundred keys. The 101st key was to the key box.
My job entailed running a switchboard, handing out keys to certain people at certain times, and calling codes. During the week, I generally worked the graveyard shift and helped out with off-hour admissions. When I worked weekend shifts (extra money), it was 7:30am until 7:30pm.
I was given busy work, which was usually finished within the first two hours of my shift. The rest of the night I read, watched TV, and wrote a lot of horrible short stories.
There was always a medical doctor who spent the night. I liked a couple of them, but most of them were schmucks.
My favourite was Dr. L. When I worked graveyard with him, he’d bring me coffee. We’d watch the late movie and talk. On weekends, we’d watch Nets and Rangers games. He gave me books now and then, great books, better than the trashy novels that the volunteers always dropped off at the front desk for the patients. I bought him a Rangers shirt once – kind of a joke; he is an Islanders fan (Pot Van sucks!).
I didn’t like my job. It was easy (boring), I had to work a lot of holidays, and it was not a cheerful environment, but the money was really good, so I stayed as long as I could handle it (which happened to be exactly two years).
There were several small incidents leading up to my wanting to leave, and one big thing that made me turn in my notice. One big thing that changed something inside of me forever:
There were four units where I was located, in the main building, and one large unit in another building on the grounds. All patients were supposed to be in their rooms by 10pm and lights out at 11pm.
I came in a little before 11pm that night. I had lent a book to one of the mental health workers on Unit 1A about a month before that night. He was leaving at 11pm and I wanted to catch him before he left, so I could get my book back.
After the second shift lady at the switchboard left, I called 1A.
I let it ring about 15 times. No answer.
I hung up, looked at the switchboard. No lights on. No noise but the ticking of the wall clock in the front hall. I called again.
I let it ring 10 times. No answer.
Unless a code was called, there were supposed to be at least two people at the station desk at all times. No code had been called.
I took the 1A key out of the box, put the switchboard on night bell and left my little office at the front of the building.
The lights at the 1A front desk were all out; normally, they were only dimmed, never completely out. It was completely silent – that was weird, too – usually, there were at least quiet murmurings, conversations between workers about sports, movies, or their families. I unlocked the door.
Once I opened the door and said, “Hullo?” I realized that there was one sound: a slow creaking.
I took a few steps forward and started to feel my nerves shaking just under my skin. I saw a shadow on the wall, something big, moving back and forth. I wanted to run away, but ran toward the shadow instead.
Across from the shadow on my left was a restroom on my right, where a tiny nightlight was on. As I realized what the shadow was, I yelled as loud as I could (I've got about ten years of operatic training under my belt – I can yell, folks).
No one came running.
I do not know what I would have done if I had not happened to be carrying my brother’s knife that night (I had lifted it from him earlier that day on impulse).
I kicked a folding chair into the bathroom from the hall and lifted him up (it reminded me a bit of trying to catch a fish with my hands; he kept moving, shoving at me, kicking me). I knifed the sash he’d used. Once it was cut and I heard him take a breath, I yelled again, bringing him to the floor, removing the sash completely.
No one came. I heard stirring sounds from behind patients’ doors, but no emergency team assembled.
Swearing up a blue streak, I ran to the front desk and called Dr. L. Got on the intercom and called a 99. Called 9-1-1.
Doctor L was there in seconds. I followed him into the restroom and sat on the floor by the formerly hanged man. I held his hand and looked into his eyes: they were a bright blue, and utterly beautiful. I brushed his hair up off of his face with my fingers and looked into those eyes until the ambulance guys showed up.
I stood up to leave and practically fell back down. “What the fu---?” I suddenly hurt all over.
Dr. L helped me to stand. “You got kicked, I think… a lot, I think.”
I did.
He walked me to my office, closed the door and told me to take my shirt off.
I laughed and said, “No way!” I hung out with this guy, worked with him on a nearly daily basis. I didn’t want him walking around, thinking about my boobs, and I didn’t want to think “He saw my tits once” every time we watched a Nets game together.
“Well, at least lift it up. You need to have your ribs checked." I consented.
“Nothing broken,” he said after forever, “… but you’re going to look extra pretty tomorrow.”
I took Tylenol and we sat together to fill out the incident report. When it was done and we each signed off on it, I went about calling the directors and everyone else on the “must call if such-and-such happens” list.
My supervisor came in at 7:30am. I handed her my report and met the doctor in the lobby. He and I went downstairs into the kitchen – I’d taught him that if you wanted decent food, you had to avoid the dining hall and make friends in the kitchen.
Robert, my best friend in the kitchen, made us pancakes.
Doctor L and I had a long talk over several pancakes and a vat of coffee. People were going to be fired, he said. I nodded. There should be more to it. This place is a hellhole.
“Where the fuck were they?”
The doctor shrugged.
I handed in my resignation that day, giving a few weeks’ notice.
About a week from my last day, I was working a twelve-hour Saturday, 7:30am – 7:30pm. I had my nose in a book; it was quiet. I only looked up when I heard someone clearing their throat.
The formerly hanged man stood in my doorway, smiling, eyes twinkling.
“That was you, huh?” He asked. I nodded.
He said he wanted to thank me, and that he’d never forget what I had said to him.
I didn’t remember saying ANYTHING to him, but I nodded.
He said, “I never realized how simple it all is. You are right. The secret to life is to just keep breathing.”
I said that? That was something my grandmother always used to say. I always hated that expression.
I smiled.
Good one, Gram.
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