October 14, 2009
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I Usually Want To
Some things happened to me. I did some stuff. Some of it I blog about and some of it won’t ever be written. It happened, I did it, and sometimes I think about it. When things around me are… dark. When things that once mattered to me begin to seem less important or less reachable. When something big goes wrong or just never comes to fruition. When I cannot sleep at night, or my sleep is filled with bad dreams.
It is at those times that I think of all of this bad stuff, and I ask if The List of Bad Things is related to the You Can’t Have These Things list. Am I a bad person? Do I not deserve [insert wish here]? The questions, the thoughts, last for a minute or two. I suppose I could make them last longer. I could batter myself with a million little visuals, memories of past events and behaviours. But I don’t. Not anymore.
Instead, I sit on the couch with my notebook and pen, or in front of the computer. Sometimes, I end up not writing a single letter. I don’t think about the naughty things I have done, or the harm others have thrown my way…
I think of how lucky I am. I try to recall how I survived everything, but that gives me a headache. I think about all of the good things I have done. I think of people, some still with us, some gone, and I realise how lucky I’ve been with friendships and love. I think of all of the wonderful gifts that I have been given, the miracles I have been fortunate enough to witness.
I recount these things. They may seem like nothing to you, but to me, they are special. Seeing a whale out in the ocean. A flock of yellow butterflies landing all over me while I was out walking. A giant dog bringing me a rabbit. Deer nibbling on a plant just above my head. The ducks that live in our complex’s pond, parading their little ones back and forth on the front lawn. Doves nesting on top of the lamp outside my apartment’s front door…
“And here I am,” I think. “I’m still here.”
I do my best to be good, to do good things, and to do as little harm as humanly possible. To “keep the evil down to a low roar,” as one of my favourite men in the universe would say.
The dark times will come. I will think until I have a headache. The little things will come, too. And I will think, “And here I am. I’m still here…”
Still here to write about it, if I want to.
I usually want to.
Comments (15)
So lovely. The little things are the most important!
“a whale out in the ocean. A flock of yellow butterflies landing all over me… A giant dog bringing me a rabbit. Deer nibbling on a plant…ducks…parading their little ones… Doves nesting…”
These are definitely not “nothing!” You say you were “lucky,” and maybe that is so. It also sounds like you are appreciative. And it seems to me like most of the time if we have time to stop and appreciate, we start to feel lucky, or fortunate, for the many little but wonderful things we have and have seen. :)
The devil down to a low roar is a great saying. Good for you to see all that you wrote about.
I think about my blessings too; I have many to be grateful for. I count you among my blessings.
Baby, baby don’t look back – that’s what the Fine Young Cannibals taught me. But truly? I don’t think we have to be perfect . . .I don’t think anybody expects that of us. In fact, I kinda think we’re meant to screw up – the test isn’t about always being good, – it’s about making the best decisions we are able to at that one moment. We get older, we know better, we do better. That’s what we’re judged on . . . what we grab from the experiences and whether we learn to do better. In my book, you’re AOK. Of course, my opinion means jack-a-row squat . . . but you know what I meah.
I do my best to be good, to do good things, and to do as little harm as humanly possible.
really all there is. hang in there, you.
I thought I was the only one not writing a single letter and that hurts because I usually want to, too.
Well, writing is fabulous therapy. It’s what I do for therapy.
And I’m very glad you usually do.
This is a great one CB.
Now it’s time for Sam and Sylvia.
Very nice.
mm, I so relate to this except for the writing things down part. I just let it run thru my head. I think about the people I have loved that are no longer here and I feel pretty weird that I still am. It makes me want to live for them, until I get a bout of laziness that is
Wonderful, thought provoking post. All of us have things we would rather not think about much less write about or talk about. Things we carry around in a little box in our brain. You do exactly the right thing when it all escapes the box – think of the good because in some way we are all touched by good. You listed some beautiful, wondrous things. Wishing well. peace & sparkles
Sounds like my alone time.
This is touching and insightful. Doing more good than harm is my daily goal.
I enjoyed this post. Thanks for sharing!