Enjoy!

But Sam loves a night like tonight: rented movie, various goodies, dimmed lights, and Mommy's lap (Daddy is closing the store tonight).. perhaps a good brushing...ahhhhhh...thaaaaaat's gooooooood....

and the chance to relax (Sam's life just has SO much stress....) and lose himself in some nonsense...

Mystery Science Theater 3000, Boggy Creek II, Here we come...

"Drivin' down the road,
   Lookin' fer a Waffle House,
      Drinkin' lotsa Wiiiiiiiild Turkeyyyyyy...."

Ahhhhhhh... relaxation...can't do this at the Cinema 12...

1. Cover your butt, baby. When you bend down to get me a brownie, I don't want to see your crack, okay? I am a ladies' man, and I WILL check out your behind; however, butt cleavage and brownies... it's just gross.

2. If you have a cold, stay home, alright? You are sneezing, sniffing and hacking up phlegm... and then you want to make my tuna sandwich? Wear a surgical mask or go home. They make very sassy surgical masks these days... health is always in style.

3. For the love of God, brush your hair.  I groom myself meticulously before I visit your bookstore; you should do the same, especially since you are the store's representative. I don't want the crazy-looking man/lady with the bird's nest in his/her hair asking me if I need help finding anything in the Pet section. It is distracting, especially since one of my baser instincts is to attack birds' nests.

4. What's with the shiny things in your eyebrows? I attack shiny things, too. Especially if they move. Save those for when you are out partying. Not only do they make you look unprofessional; I can't hear a word you are saying because I am too busy watching the shiny things bob up and down as you talk to me!

5. If you cut yourself shaving this morning (I personally never have this problem... my fur is always the perfect length), please use a band-aid.  When I ask you what aisle the hairball treatments are in, and you look up at me with a shredded, bloody face, I just want to clean you... and again, I can't hear a word you are saying because of the distraction.

6. As a fur-bearing mammal, I am asking you to please refrain from wearing things that could have been made out of my cousins. Not only do you look like a giant growler, which, in my opinion is NEVER "in"; you make me anxious about relatives I have not heard from in a while.

7. I like legs. I like the way they look; I like to rub myself against them. Short skirts are nice, because it gives me more leg to rub against. But please, ladies, I'm not a pervert: I don't need to see your undies or lack thereof. So sit like a lady and don't bend over to get my box of treats!

8. Men: I may occasionally rub myself against YOUR legs, too...but when I look up, I don't want to see your dangly parts, so if you HAVE to wear shorts to work, please wear shorts that fit you, okay?

9. I like milk, and I LOVE where milk comes from. That doesn't mean I want to see your nipples while I'm in the check-out line. Wear a bra.

The opinions expressed in Sam's View From the Towel do not necessarily represent those held by SamsPeeps and their affiliates.

1. If you are not or never have been married, don't tell us how simple (or how complicated for that matter) relationships/marriages "can" be. Until you've been in a marriage, you don't really understand what goes on in one. If you want to discuss your "theories", that's nice. But giving advice based on your untested theories is irresponsible. So shut up.

2. To the young women telling us how "simple" men are and how "complicated" women are: Nice generalizations, and great advice to set women back 60 years or so. The truth is, we're all individuals, made up of simplicities and complexities, and you never really know a person until their toothbrush is sitting next to yours. So shut up.

3. Stay-At-Home Moms vs. Career Mommies: This is a dumb "war". You are both doing something wonderful with your lives, so respect one another and shut up.

4. If you have a copy of "The Rules", throw it out. Better yet, burn it, lest it accidentally end up in the hands of a young and impressionable girl. That book has nothing to do with love; it's more about how to play games. Love is not a game, no matter what the songs say.

5. If you don't have respect for yourself, don't expect respect from others.

6. It is sad that some women still feel the need to objectify themselves to feel important. If you're with a man who only cares about what you LOOK like, how important can you actually feel?

7. Women who are actively seeking a serious relationship online (through a dating or chat service): It is a nice way to meet people, but don't expect a long-term relationship from it. Yes, it happens, my Mommy and Daddy can testify to that, but the chances are slim. Enjoy it for what it is, but don't expect to find True Love out there in cyberspace. And don't complain about how you can't find your soul mate online. He or she may not even have a computer at their disposal!

8. Women who complain endlessly about how they wish their Significant Other would change: Either you love someone completely or you don't. Break up with him or shut up.

9. Women who don't/won't leave a relationship they are unsatisfied with until they have someone else "waiting in the wings": maybe you should explore why you are afraid to be alone. Newsflash: You don't need a Significant other to be complete.

10. Women who blow off their girlfriends as soon as a man is on the horizon and only "return to the fold" once he walks off into the sunset without them: What is wrong with you? Your girlfriends are your support network, before you have a relationship, while you have a relationship, and AFTER one ends. Any guy that expects you to discard your friends now that he is in the picture is someone who doesn't care that much about YOU. Maybe you should look into why you feel that "having a man" is so important to you that you would give up important friendships.

11. Women who expect a guy to drop all of his friends once he has found YOU, the love of his life: Come on. Seriously? Number 10 applies to men, too.

12. Women who criticize and make fun of the way other women look: If this makes you feel better about the way YOU look, that is sad. It is indicative of low self-esteem. Maybe you should shut up and think about it.

1. Who are they? Mommy says they were famous in the 80s. Wasn't that like 50 years ago?

2. Why do they get a show? I hate Mikey but we're not on TV.

3. If somebody called MY woman a bitch, somebody would be gettin' all jabbed up. They're stupid.

4. I haven't seen any, you know... people of the feline persuasion on that show. Whassup, Corey and Corey? Afraid of someone stealing your thunder? Cause let's face it... if there was a kitty in every scene, people would be tuning in to find out what the CAT thinks of your messed up friendship/closeted gay.... "relationship".

5. Why would you take out an ad in Variety that STATES "this isn't a stunt" and "I'm ready to work" (or whatever the quote was... I'm a cat. Got ADD.) when it is clearly a stunt and after you JUST said, "I don't want to do this just to get work?" My mommy says that the truer, more genuine thing, and the thing that would go well with the 12-step program, would be to sit your ass down and write each person a letter, preferably in your own hand. Mommy says maybe you should mean it and THEN say it. I say you should just shut up and get off my T.V.

6. I don't like that Feldman tries to steal Mommy's attention from me. Be warned, Feldman. The mommy...is... MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!