Oh, this one is too easy!
1. Lying
2. Cheating
3. Unwarranted jealousy
4. Ruthlessness
5. Unintelligence
I just answered this Featured Question, you can answer it too!
Month: July 2008
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What are 5 qualities that turn you off in the opposite sex?
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Not So Sad
I was going to write this little thing about my mom and my stupid relatives, and how sad I am, filled with rage, etc….
And then I read about Konfoozed_Girrrl’s mishap on the stairs…
And now I have the giggles.
If you haven’t read her blog, you are missing out. That lady has some GREAT stories, and they are intelligently written.
Well?
What are you waiting for?
Go! Read! Now!
You will be happy you did.
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It’s Good To Be The Sam
Today seems like as good a day as any to list a few things that make me happy:
1. I love string. I am lucky to have so much of it around (Mommy keeps telling me I cannot have it all because she wants to make those neck-wrap things for people with it… but I pretty much take whatever I want anyway!).
2. Daddy cleaned my litter box and put fresh litter in it. That’s always cool. Thanks, Daddy!
3. Mommy shared her lunch with me today. Yeah, I got a little orange-y around my mouth, but ravioli are delicious. And they were the ones with the cheese in them, too.
4. My fur is now all soft and silky, thanks to about an hour of brushing. I LOVE brushing…
5. The big loud weather thing finally shut up. I don’t mind the rain, but that booming thing gets on my nerves, so I get really happy when it stops!
6. Daddy did laundry today…ahhhh… a nice warm, clean towel to shed on while I catch some of the Law & Order marathon…
7. Mmmmm… fishies for dinner. Now THAT’s something that always makes me purr!
It’s good to be The Sam!
The Sam enjoys a little nap by Daddy’s feet after the thunder stops… -
To Meow Or Not to Meow: A Public Service Message From The Sam
As you probably know (if you don’t know, please see some of my mommy’s earlier posts), I’m not my mommy and daddy’s natural cat. I am adopted. I know that for some folks, being adopted can impact the psyche, the ego, the future. Not me. I’m a cat. I always land on my… well, you know the expression.
If you have ever thought about adopting a feline of thine own, think on these things first:
1. If you want to be an “owner” or a “master”… get a dog. You don’t own a cat. We own you, if anything. We are superior beings. That is just the natural order of things. You cannot mess with that.
2. The kitty sleeps wherever the kitty wants. You need to go around. If that does not appeal to you, don’t get a cat. Perhaps a gerbil is the right pet for you?
3. We demand your complete and undivided attention… when we want it. For the most part, we don’t really care about what you want.
4.
We like food. Get the good stuff, and keep it coming. Same goes for
fresh water. If you can’t afford to feed a kitty, don’t get a kitty.
5. We require fresh litter. We’ll let you know when you’ve let it sit too long… and you won’t
like the way we ‘tell’ you. So if you don’t want to keep a cat’s
commode clean, adopting a kitty may not be for you. Good luck finding a
pet that doesn’t poop.
6. We play rough sometimes. There are
times when we like peace, quiet, and a warm, soft hand on our bellies,
sure, but if you play with us, you may receive claw marks. If you don’t
know enough to revere them as marks of honour, maybe you should think
“goldfish” instead of “kitty”. Don’t think you can solve this by
surgically removing parts of a cat’s paw, either (when your kid ruins your
furniture, do you remove his or her fingers?)… we have other ways,
you know… you may take away our claws, but you will never
take away our… FREEEEEEEDOMMMM!
7. We love to clean ourselves… especially our genitals… especially
when you have company. If that makes you uncomfortable… well, fish
ARE pretty to look at… And they don’t use their tongues to clean
themselves. Wait. Do fish have tongues?
Mmmmm… fish are yummy…
This has been a public service announcement brought to you by The Sam and his peeps.
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Starbucks: Who Cares?
I heard that Starbucks is closing 600 of their stores.
Who cares? Their coffee always tastes like it has been sitting there for 2 weeks, burning.
Their sandwiches taste like they have been cooked, frozen, thawed and reheated via microwave 30 times already.
Their muffins have the texture of foam packing peanuts smooshed together.
They give their items (even the sizes of the items) Italian names… it all comes off so pretentious.
The people who hang out there act like they are cool because they are hanging out there. I have news for those people: You just paid four dollars for a cup of burnt coffee, and you think you are cool because of it!
I wish they would close all of their stores so I would not have to smell the burning coffee every few blocks.
Good coffee is called COFFEE. You can order a large, medium or small. You can order “regular” and know that you will be getting cream and two sugars; you can say “light and sweet” and know you will be getting extra cream and sugar; you can say “black”, and know that nothing will be in your cup but pure coffee. Good coffee is FRESH… it isn’t sitting on a burner for 12 hours. It doesn’t have snobby names… it’s just called COFFEE.
A “panini” is a sandwich.
A muffin is moist and delicious.
Saying “venti no-fat soy mocha decaf with cinnamon sprinkles” doesn’t make you sound cool. It makes you sound like an ass.
Get a real coffee.
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Sam’s View From the Towel: Fighting
Sometimes, you have to fight.
Take Mikey (please!). When Mommy and Daddy tried to adopt her, I was nice. I did not really want to share my food, my litter box or my peeps (especially my mommy!), but I thought it might be nice to have a friend.
Mikey thought otherwise.
I always tell folks, “I’m a lover, not a fighter.”
Mikey didn’t care.
For a long time, things went okay. I’m bigger than her, so I would dominate and play the role of King of the Castle”.
Then I got sick.
Mikey sensed my weakness and came at me, claws out. She scratched me up.
I had to defend myself.
When you are only defending yourself, I think it is alright to fight.
But why would you want to fight otherwise?
It is so much nicer to be friends.
Even kitties in the wild have friends… -
Why Sam Hates the Bank
Sam’s experiences at the bank have not all been bad, but most of them have left him feeling like maybe he should start keeping his money in his kitty mattress. He asked me to share his list:
1. They treat me like a second class citizen because I have fur and four paws. Like that means I don’t understand banking.
2. They never approve my loan. Just because I don’t “work steadily” they don’t consider me a … “good risk”. I believe that they are in part responsible for keeping The Kitty down.
3. They always want two forms of I.D. Like my driver’s license isn’t enough. I mean, it’s got my picture on it and everything. And where am I supposed to carry a wallet?
4. Whenever I have a problem with my accounts, it doesn’t matter how much paperwork I have to prove that it is their fault… it sucks to be me.
5. They always talk to my mommy instead of me. They are MY accounts, with MY money in them. Just because she is the human doesn’t mean she has anything to do with MY accounts… racist, fascist bastards…
6. They always give me that goofy look when they see that my signature is a paw print. What do they expect? I don’t have thumbs, dammit. How am I supposed to hold a pen?
7. Why do they put the ATMs up so high?
8. They never have the swordfish-flavoured lollipops that I like.
